| Apr. 29th, 2006 @ 08:30 pm Inspriation is... |
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I can honestly say that ive never been more inspired in my entire life. Today watching the cross country portion of the Rolex was amazing. THIS is what i can see myself doing for the rest of my life. THIS is happiness. How the hell do i get there? I want to find out. I know i might fail and fall flat on my face. I realize that. But for once in my life my parents are realizing that this is something that sparks me. I know im going to suceed in whatever i do, thats the given about my life. Im not trying to be cocky, Im just confident. Im burning from the inside out with such an undeniable passion for living, just such energy, brains, and application.
Where theres a will, theres a way...
talked to my parents about this over dinner. i know my own horse will never be at this level of competition. I might not ever as well. I just told them that I realize that he will be the one to take me to the top levels though, the one who will bring me up, teach me the ropes. THIS is the man of my life right now..(haha, did i mention hes tall, dark, and handsome *wink* j/k)
my parents struggle still to realize why i choose to stay single sometimes, or why i cant make relationships work. I just fail at some point in them and from the outside looking in, they crash and burn miserably. From my point of view, perhaps its just ending them before they get too deep. You know at a certain point when you CANT be with someone forever. Im not sure if you ever have the opposite point where you know that this person is the only one you want to spend your life with. I havent ever gotten to that point so i cant tell you on that one.. its just, i was writing about this on my mini blog on myspace the other day. Im finally getting tired of being alone. Ive dated on and off, but in all reality its been over a year since ive had someone that I was head over heels for, and didnt feel like i was just setting for a relationship. Some of those people in between have just been ones ive dated because ive gotten sick of the game of dating, or being bantered. Not sure. But its been over a year since ive felt those crazy butterflies in my stomach, really had that im crazy for you feelings, that smile in the morning when you wake up next to them... dont get me wrong, there could be flaws in this, perhaps that crazy over emphacized feelings were the root of the demise of the relationship, fell too hard too fast, or just felt too good about it then backed away and ran like i saw Robert Dinero with a rack like pamela anderson.. not sure. I dont miss anyone I've dated. I dont know why we as humans say that we *miss* things, why we long for them when they are not possible to obtain. I dont have regrets, people ive dated have all taught me wonderful lessons in life and love, living on the edge and just letting go sometimes, and what i do/dont need in my life. I dont know how to find that crazy spark again, or if it just *happens*..beats me.. All i know is that this weekend ive seen a beatiful breakdown of my thought process about my life, and perhaps it was just this vacation that i needed, or its just the beauty of kentucky, the unbridled sprit of things, or trying to convince myself that i can do this... i just wish that there was someone sitting next to me to share it with. Im just realizing that i get ONE life (pardon me as i ignore any thoughts on rebirth) and that i have to live it for ME.
That also might be part of my hesitance for relationships... I dont want ot sacrifice my life for someone else. I know that love means making the ultimate sacrifice, but if its LOVE would your partner force you to make those sacrifices in the first place? Ive almost been the trophy too many times. The man that wants you to be seen and not heard as long as i was tall, leggy, and skinny because i was starting to starve myself. I vowed never again, never again would i let myself fall into that trap. Im not your normal girl, I do realize that. Im headstrong, outgoing, and passionate about LIFE. Ive got more intrests than you have hairs on your head, and I will excell, or have excelled at them all. If you dont give everything in your life 150%, why would you bother doing it? Life wasnt meant to be done half-assed. I wont graduate school to be just a soccer mom, dont get me wrong, thats fabulous for some people, but i want to be more than a baby maker. I want to follow my heart (which my head sometimes has a say in) and LIVE. My occassional back pain is a reminder to me that life is short. I havent thought about my care wreck in a long time, but i slipped today and twisted just the right way that a jolt of lightning was sent up my back. I cursed and got angry for second, but that was only to be replaced by a soft smile when i realized that i should be dead, and im thankful to be alive...
Maybe thats the whole theme of my thinking, that this place in Kentucky is just rich with life, its almost like the land breathes and has an essence of its own... yes another slightly pensive entry, see what vacation does to me? |
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